| Long jokes |
| If you have time to read this get a life If you are offended by any of this get a life If you agree with any of this get a life And if you are all of the above your just like me, I love you |
Stupid People
In Honor of Stupid People . . .
in case you needed further proof
that the human race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some
actual label
instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use
while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on
my hair.)
==============================
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a
winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions:
Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
========================
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed
on bottom) -- "Do not turn
upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
=======================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate
of construction accidents if
we could just get those 5 year-olds
with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
===========================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May
cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???...
===============================
=====
On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
> (as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not
to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on
this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning:
contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
==========================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
-- "Instructions: Open
packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume --
"Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame
the parents for this one.)
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not
attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was
there a lot of this happening
somewhere?)
Send by Stella
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to
find her
husband stalking around with a fly
swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
Send by Stella
A woman walked into the kitchen to
find her
husband stalking around with a fly
swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
Send by Stella
Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my
dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had
just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a get-well gift and it was one of my
favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room
engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such
yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living
room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with
a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother
would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only
place that baby can reach to get water
is the toilet?'
Send in by Eleni
One day my mother was out and my
dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had
just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a get-well gift and it was one of my
favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room
engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such
yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living
room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with
a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother
would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only
place that baby can reach to get water
is the toilet?'
Send in by Eleni
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down
and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them
at first, but her attention is galvanized when
she
hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You
foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," She
retorted
indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak
aloud
in Public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who
talkin' about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda
how to spell ' Mississippi '."
$10.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Send in by Elen
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down
and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them
at first, but her attention is galvanized when
she
hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You
foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," She
retorted
indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak
aloud
in Public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who
talkin' about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda
how to spell ' Mississippi '."
$10.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Send in by Elen
THE GREEK HELL
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an
hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of
the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so
he moves on.
He checks out the American hell, as well as the Russian hell &
many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the
same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Greek hell and finds that there is a long
line of people from all nationalities waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First
they put you in an electric chair for an hour, and then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Greek
devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are
there so many people waiting to get in?"
He is told, "Because the maintenance crew is always on strike,
there is no electricity so the electric chair doesn't work,
Albanians have stolen all the nails from the bed, and the
Greek devil is a former Greek government employee, so he comes in, signs
the register and then goes to have his kafethaki and eat
kourabiethes all day..."
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an
hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of
the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so
he moves on.
He checks out the American hell, as well as the Russian hell &
many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the
same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Greek hell and finds that there is a long
line of people from all nationalities waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First
they put you in an electric chair for an hour, and then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Greek
devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are
there so many people waiting to get in?"
He is told, "Because the maintenance crew is always on strike,
there is no electricity so the electric chair doesn't work,
Albanians have stolen all the nails from the bed, and the
Greek devil is a former Greek government employee, so he comes in, signs
the register and then goes to have his kafethaki and eat
kourabiethes all day..."
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
Send by Stella
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
Send by Stella
Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my
dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had
just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a get-well gift and it was one of my
favorite toys.
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water. After several
yummy tea, my Mom came home.
which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such
yummy tea, my Mom came home.
thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with
a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.
watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother
would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only
place that baby can reach to get water
is the toilet?'
Send in by Eleni
One day my mother was out and my
dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had
just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a get-well gift and it was one of my
favorite toys.
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water. After several
yummy tea, my Mom came home.
which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such
yummy tea, my Mom came home.
thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with
a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.
watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother
would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only
place that baby can reach to get water
is the toilet?'
Send in by Eleni
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit
down
The lady sitting next to them ignores them
hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You
foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," She
retorted
indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak
aloud
in Public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who
talkin' about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda
how to spell ' Mississippi '."
$10.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Send in by Eleni
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit
down
The lady sitting next to them ignores them
hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You
foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," She
retorted
indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak
aloud
in Public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who
talkin' about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda
how to spell ' Mississippi '."
$10.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Send in by Eleni